Start with curiosity, not assumptions
Black men are different from each other, as men of every background are. Read his profile, notice what he says about his work, his family and his hobbies, and write to the person you find there. If a line in your message would be just as true for any Black man, it is probably not specific enough.
If you are a white woman interested in a Black man
- Ask about him. His interests, his job, what he is looking for. Keep race out of your opening lines.
- Leave out the stereotypes, including the ones that sound like compliments. They tell him you see a type.
- Listen when he talks about his experiences. You do not have to have answers. Being willing to hear him matters more.
If you are a Black man thinking about dating a white woman
- Know what you want and say so early, so you both know where you stand.
- Notice how she responds when you describe your experiences. Does she listen, or does she brush it aside?
- Move at your own pace. You can chat for as long as you like before you share a number or meet.
Talking about race without making it awkward
Many couples find that it helps to raise the subject early, lightly and honestly, instead of avoiding it. You can ask about it the same way you would ask about any other part of someone's life.
"Is there anything about how people see us that you would like me to understand?"
"How did your family feel about who you have dated before?"
Family, friends and meeting each other's people
Introductions go best when nobody is rushed. Agree between you when to meet family and friends, and what you would like each of them to know first. If someone makes a thoughtless comment, back your partner up and talk about it afterward.
Expectations, and what to do when they differ
Every couple brings expectations about dating, money, family and how fast things should go. Across backgrounds those expectations can differ in ways neither of you has thought about. Talk about them early: how often you want to see each other, how you see the future, and what matters most to you. When you disagree, ask what each of you meant before you decide what the other person thinks.
Writing a profile that shows who you are
Use recent photos, say what you are looking for and mention real interests. A line like "I love live music and Sunday cooking" tells a reader far more than "open to anything". If you are open to dating across backgrounds, say so plainly and kindly, and leave out lines that treat anyone as a type.
What to avoid
- Comments on his body or on "what Black men are like".
- Asking him to speak for every Black man.
- Pressure to meet quickly, send photos or share a phone number.
- Ignoring a no, or a gap in replies.
Meeting each other safely
Ebony Amour is a Black and interracial dating community, so people join knowing who it is for. Joining is free, and you can search by location and interests. Members can verify their profile for a tick, every member has a rating, and explicit images are blurred. Keep your first conversations on the site, meet somewhere public the first time and tell a friend where you will be. You do not need to give out your phone number, and every profile has a report button.
You may also like our guides to dating Black women and white men dating Black women.